Momma Liked It Doggy Style - Review of TVD 2.19: "Klaus"

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Wow, okay. I think I may have finally calmed down enough to write a semi-cogent review of TVD Episode 2.19, “Klaus.” But before I get to that, I have one question for the universe at large?


WHY HAS DANIEL GILLIES NOT BEEN GIVEN THE LEAD ROLE IN A MAJOR BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE YET?! This is a situation that needs to be rectified immediately, universe. Please see to it.

On to the evening’s storylines:


I think I ate some bad vampire or something: Elena and Elijah
Elena de-daggers Elijah, who takes his own sweet time waking up. Elena waits. And waits. Makes herself a sandwich. Does her nails. Files her taxes. Waits some more. Maybe because the Salvatore boarding house is having major digestive issues with him? Elijah wakes up all disoriented, first imagining Elena is Katerina, then – I think – imagining she’s the original Petrova, whose story we damn well better get one of these days. Elijah gets jerked around by the house, literally, and realizes that he can’t be in there, as he was not invited. Instead of inviting him in, Elena sort of ‘duhs’ around, and the house slams Elijah up against a few walls before VOMITING him out onto the doorstep. The stuff my cat horks up never looks as good as Elijah.

Once Elijah is safely deposited on the doorstep, the two have a whispered convo that consists basically of “Can I trust you?” “ Can I trust you?” As a show of good faith, Elena hands the dagger to Elijah. Elijah palms it and is, apparently, impressed by this surrendering of the only weapon that can “kill” him. [Because he’s TOTALLY not going to end up having to stab Klaus with it and thereby KILL HIMSELF in a couple episodes or anything. In which case, fuck you, show.]

Elena takes Elijah for a drive and gives him a blood bag, putting the pep back into his step and costing him several coolness points simultaneously. They swing by the Lockwood Mansion so Elijah can mind-whammy a de-vervained Carol and convince her to let them crash there and give him some of her dead husband’s clothes. I just love how Elijah is all, “Fuck that ‘nicest foreclosure in town’ crap. I’m taking over the Mayor’s mansion, bitches!” They have a brief siesta in the storytelling while Elena leaves to go hold Jenna’s hand for her nervous breakdown, promising to return. Elijah is all, “Yeah yeah, heard it before. Talk to the hand, honey."
But she does come back for Underworld 'Originals, the Sequel', making Elijah’s heart grow three sizes that day. I know I’m on record as saying that the idea of Elena/Elijah squicks me out; after this episode, I may not have boarded the ship yet, but I’m standing on the dock and eyeballing it.


Look! It’s the Exposition Fairy!!
(It’s like the Tooth Fairy, but instead of a tooth you leave a note that says ‘WTF, show?’ under your pillow.) Today, the role of the Exposition Fairy will be played by Elijah. The referral to him as a fairy is not a poke, btw, at the ‘aw, look at the vampire doodles’ scene which was, in all honesty, really gay. Does Daniel Gillies not have brothers? Because I’m pretty sure most brothers don’t touch each other that way. Just sayin’. Let’s just all be happy TVD doesn’t air on HBO. (Why yes, I did watch “Game of Thrones.” Why do you ask?)

Anyway, here’s our history lesson, per Elijah: The Originals were a family. They all started out as human. Mom, Dad, seven children. Dad was a wealthy Eastern European land owner. They later, at some undisclosed time and through some undisclosed method, became vampires. Elijah says that the tale of them becoming vampires is a long and complicated one. Dayna says that the writers just haven’t come up with the story yet. It was a little unclear whether or not Mommy and Daddy Original became vampires, or just the seven kids. Once they were vamped, they learned that Mommy O was a little slutty and liked it doggy-style, which is how Klaus came along, making him a wolfpire. Daddy O didn’t take kindly to the cuckolding, so he killed Mommy O’s baby daddy, as well as his puppies, thereby igniting the Hatfield-McCoy werewolf-vampire feud. Witches, who are described by Elijah as being the “servants of nature,” (the fuck?) didn’t like the idea of a hybrid (now wait, shouldn’t the servants of nature be encouraging us to go green?), so they “cursed” him by suppressing the wolf side of Klaus, leaving him just a ‘pire. Klaus took exception to the suppression of his furry persona, hence his obsession with breaking the curse so he can sire his own designer breed of wolfpires, because mixed breeds are all the rage nowadays.


What? Another Curse, you say? What about the Sun and Moon Curse?:
Oh, you mean the Aztec curse on Bulgarians in Virginia? Yeah, Klaus and Elijah were totally punking, like, everyone in the world with that shit. Which makes you wonder what other ‘historical events’ they made up during some keggar one night. “Ooh, Klaus, I know: how about a guy who goes up on some mountain and the gods give him some tablets that tell him not to bang the hot married chick next door that he’s totally coveting the fuck out of?” “Dude, that’s awesome! You know what else? He should *hiccup* totally, like, part the Red Sea with his hands and shit!” “Awesome!”

Yeah, so anyway, the Sun and Moon curse if fake. It was just a way to keep both the vampires and the werewolves looking for the moonstone and the doppelganger. Psych, bitches!


Um, Pardon me, Sir, but you appear to have a spot of blood on your shirt:
Onto history of a more personal nature. Trevor brings Katerina to Klaus’s household for Klaus’s birthday. They didn’t have cakes for girls to jump out of back in the day, but you just know that Kat would have totally been game for that shit. Elijah is taken aback when he sees her, looking all Pertrova-y; as is Klaus, theoretically, but he handles it more smoothly than Elijah, ‘cuz that’s just how he rolls. During the following weeks, Klaus alternately charms and ignores Katerina, while Elijah is left to “entertain” her. Which apparently involves her skipping around the gardens like she’s one of Sookie’s cracked-out fairy cousins while Elijah “chases” her. I’d point out how he runs like a total dork, but the dialogue is so cute that I let it pass. “You’re supposed to catch me!” “Then the game would be over.” They have a little scene together on a stone bench, wherein Katerina suggests she’s perhaps not all that in love with Klaus, leaving Elijah a perfectly good opening, which he TOTES FUCKS UP BY PROCLAIMING HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN LOVE. See, Elijah? This is why Klaus gets all the pussy – he knows how to lie to the ladies. Elijah is totally the Stefan of the relationship: cock-blocking himself at every opportunity.

Klaus shows up, his shirt covered with blood, to take the cock-block baton from Elijah and whisk Katerina away. Elijah: is sad. And probably a little uncomfortable in those leather pants. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Elijah talks Klaus’s witches into configuring the ritual so that the doppelganger need not die, but Klaus is all “No, I’m fine with it, really. Sack the fuck up already and stop being a pussy. Love is for losers, bro.”

Katerina – perhaps as a result of Elijah’s warning, perhaps not, you decide – runs away, prompting Klaus to threaten Elijah’s life if he doesn’t find her and return her to him. I think we all know how that turned out. Elijah: is sad some more. And a little peeved that Katerina didn’t let him save her. (Which… also kinda makes him the Damon in the relationship…?)


Sibling Rivalry, The Next Generation:
Stefan wants to respect Elena’s “Sistas are doin’ it for themselves” mantra; Damon would like to keep her dumb ass from doing stupid things like, say, waking up Original vampires who want to kill her. Pushing and fisticuffs ensue. The built-in bookshelves pay the price. Stefan is a good little boy and apologizes to Elijah when he asks. Damon: "Fuck this shit."


Nothing like a little therapeutic domestic violence!:
Andie is super-creepy all episode, defending Damon’s right to TREAT HER AS HIS CHEWTOY to Stefan. This culminates in one of the ugliest scenes I’ve seen yet on this show: Damon, post non-apology to Elijah, discovers Andie and her skimpy black underwear in his room. Though he asked her to leave earlier, he didn’t compel her to, and she wants to show him how vewy much she wuvs him. Damon: head-grab, chomp-chomp, throw girlfriend to the floor sobbing. While I’m not a fan of Damon’s actions here, obvs, I do want to give kudos to the show for “going there” and really showing Damon in all of his fucked up fuck-uppery.


I was having the weirdest dream...
Klaus decides he’s had enough of living out his ‘Invasion of the Bodysnatchers’ fantasies and has his own (way less impressive than Daniel Gillies’) body wheeled in in a steamer trunk. When they first brought in all the luggage, I thought maybe someone had cut Klaus up into pieces or something and they had to Frankenstein him back together, but not the case, thank goodness. Some candles and witchy mumbo jumbo, and Klaus is now all Joseph Morgan-y. With either better or worse hair than his flashback counterpart – debate amongst yourselves. Once he leaves the meatsuit, Alaric comes to enough to mistake Katherine for Elena before doing a total faceplant on the floor. Oh, and one of the witches mumbo-jumboing is Greta Martin, totes NOT there under duress. Jonas Martin's ghost: *facepalms*


Here, Kitty Kitty:
Damon goes over to Alaric’s apartment to see if Katherine is alive and kicking. Incidentally, Damon has not been invited into Alaric’s apartment, which makes Alaric a very smart man, despite all other evidence to the contrary. Damon gives her some catnip vervain and tells her to find the loophole that lets her get away from Klaus, saying she owes him. I’m sure that won’t turn out badly AT ALL.


For the sports-minded amongst you, the evening’s score sheet:
Team Delena: will still find ways to defend Damon’s behavior and somehow make it All. Stefan’s. Fault.

Team Stelena: Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!! Suck it, Team Delena!

Team Elena: Is happy that girlfriend is doing it her way

Team Alaric: Is hyperventilating unless they watched the promo for next week

Team Klaus: bemoans the fact that Daniel Gillies is WAY more impressive as an Original vampire than Joseph Morgan

Team Elijah: Is completely overrun with a thundering horde of new recruits. Fortunately, the team’s original members weren’t alarmed at the sudden influx because they had already fallen into a squee-induced stupor at the embarrassment of riches that was this episode.