This is WAR!!

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I am hereby formally declaring war. 

Sweet potatoes, it used to be that I encountered you only once a year.  You were those disgusting, orange lumps my sister insisted on bringing to Thanksgiving. I ignored you, knowing that, once the football was done, the pie was demolished, and my brother-in-law was snoring in the living room, you would disappear from my life again for the next year.

Then you started cropping up in restaurants, first as an alternative to the standard baked potato.  I glanced disdainfully at you from the corner of my eye, not wanting to dignify your presence with a response.  But, discontent with your lot in life as an oblong, misshapen, baked tuber, you decided that a makeover was in order.  You realized sex sells, and you remade yourself into, of all things, French fries!

I should have seen this as a warning, as the shot across the bow that it was, but still I clung to the belief that good Americans would see through this ruse, and know you for what you are.  Sure, you talk a good game about being all sweet and innocent, but 7 ounces of you only has 12 fewer calories than 7 ounces of your white counterpart, and only 2 fewer grams of carbs.  You have less protein, less phosphorus, less iron, less potassium, and MORE sodium.  Sure, you have more calcium, but so does milk!

Still, I could have agreed to disagree with you, could have learned to co-exist, but this is the last straw:  The Food Depot is now advertising Sweet Potato Puffs.  That’s right.  The potato puff, long recognized as the sole domain of the white potato, has now been invaded by the sweet potato.

I can ignore you no longer.  This is war.  Cease and desist.  Take your fake-tanned, lumpy tuberosity and STEP AWAY from the potato puffs, you usurping, orange freaks!!  Do you hear me?  It. Is. ON!!